


I'm Broken

by kelcinikiah



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Bullying, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Fluff, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Self Harm, Suicide Attempt, just a lot of that shit, trigger warning, with some bonus super fluff at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-30
Updated: 2013-01-30
Packaged: 2017-11-27 12:41:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/662114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kelcinikiah/pseuds/kelcinikiah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At 5 years old, Zayn stays clinging to his mother’s leg when being dropped off at school.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Reposted from my tumblr. This is just a big ball of sad with slightly fluffy edges.

At 5 years old, Zayn stays clinging to his mother's leg when being dropped off at school.  The other kids give him mean looks because he's smaller than them and 'weird looking'.

\---

At six, he's teased for sitting in the corner and reading his comic books.

\---

A few months later and he's given a solo in his year's performance. He messes up and gets pushed off the stage by 3 older boys.

\---

His mum invites a group of kids to their house for his birthday.  When she's not looking, those three same boys hold him under the water and nearly drown him.

\---

At seven, his dad's making the family move across the country for work.  Zayn doesn't talk to anyone at his new school.

\---

Eight and he's finishing his tests 40 minutes early, staying in his corner of the room at lunch break to read more comics and draw.  No one bothers to talk to him.

\---

Nine and he's being sent to another school.  This one has a special programme so he won't be as bored in class.

\---

At ten he makes friends with two popular boys.  He stops trying at school and falls behind.  He gets yelled at for having bad grades and screams that he hates his parents.

\---

He doesn't try to hide the cuts on his hands from hitting random objects.

\---

At the end of the year there's another pool party at his friend's house.  The girls poke at the little left over baby chub on his stomach and ask why he's not skinny like the other boys.

\---

A few days later there's small bruises spotting where he's pinched around the flab on his stomach.

\---

The first few weeks of year six go alright, he's at the top of his class.  The other students poke fun at him for studying so much.

\---

Three older boys push him against the lockers and taunt him.  He gets suspended for fighting with them.  A few days after suspension he sees one of them in a nearby store.  He breaks their nose.

\---

More people prod at the baby fat he tries to lose.  He pinches more than just his belly while looking in the mirror.

\---

Arguments get worse with his father.  They start throwing more punches and pushing more.  He learns how to hide the bruises with older sister's makeup.

\---

Zayn gets forced through Sex Ed during year 7.  He pays more attention to the boys' example than the girls', unlike the other boys.  Embarrassment comes from the hard on he has for the rest of the day.

\---

He tells one of the popular boys that he likes him.  The names he's called are added to the list he keeps under his pillow.

\---

Mum finds the list.  She says that some of the mean names on there are accurate.

\---

In year 8 his group of friends start rumours about him.

\---

His mum stops giving him money for lunch food.  Not like he really needed it.  The bruises all over his stomach, legs, and arms are almost permanent.  No one asks why he wears long sleeves in hot weather.

\---

A girl in his grade takes a liking to him.  He's never been liked before.  She gets his number from his 'friend' and walks home with him every day.  They share their pasts.

\---

She calls him when she's about to commit, and he convinces her not to.  When he tells the school counselor for her benefit, she threatens to shank him.

\---

The counselor asks about the girl's past, and he tells her.  He also talks about how she threatened him.  The girl is suspended and threatens to kill him.

\---

One day he leaves school late because of a test.  The girl pulls a knife on him and pins him down.  His friends driving by stop her and take him home.

\---

The oldest, Matt, is 16.  He takes Zayn to his room and shows him his supply.  Zayn starts smoking with him.

\---

Matt asks him out.  Zayn says yes, and they spend most nights smoking together.

\---

He starts calling Zayn names and telling him he's stupid.  He says he's too ugly to be with him, and tells him what to change about himself.

\---

Matt tells him to lose weight in any way he can.  Zayn stops eating altogether.

\---

Zayn loses twenty pounds.  Matt tells him it's not enough.

\---

He stands up for himself one night when Matt's drunk.  He's rewarded with a black eye, bruises on his wrists, his body black and blue with cuts.  A bruise wraps around his neck from being choked, and the back of his head has a bump from hitting the ground and going unconscious.

\---

He covers it all up with makeup.  He has nightmares, even though Matt's left town.

\---

Sleep doesn't come well.  If he does sleep, he cries himself to it.

\---

On his thirteenth birthday, he plays with the candles on his cake and the knives in the kitchen.  He lights up the metal a little and presses it to his skin.

\---

One afternoon he walks to a nearby store.  His old friends surprise him behind it and jump him.  His mom doesn't ask when she sees he's all scuffled.

\---

He gets more careful with the harming.  He tortures with small cuts, and they disappear easily.

\---

When he turns fourteen his parents take him on a trip to go see his grandparents and cousins.  His cousin's bi friend Jake is over one night and they end up kissing.

\---

Two days later Jake asks him out.  Zayn's still hesitant because of what happened before, but says yes.  When Zayn goes back home after 2 weeks, Jake calls every day.

\---

Jake calls less and less.  They don't talk anymore, and he ignores Zayn's texts.

\---

Zayn goes to visit after 6 months.  He walks into Jake's room and sees one of the local sluts underneath him, both naked and writhing against each other.  The girl is screaming out Jake's name while Zayn runs out crying.

For hours he walks along the side of a lonely road before he lays down on it.  He wishes the driver who saw him had just ran him over.

\---

At fifteen, he gets really sick.  His friends stop wanting to hear about him and block him out of their lives.

\---

He's home alone most days while he's sick.  He starts stealing the beer out of his dad's fridge.  It soothes the pain inside him a little.

\---

The pain gets worse and he tries to heal it with pain pills.  Not all the ones he takes are those, and he over doses a little.  That whole weekend he's spent puking his guts out.

\---

Night by night he's awake.  He starts writing goodbye letters to everyone as the knives look more tempting.

\---

One specific night he leaves the letters on the counter and grabs the biggest knife he can find.  He cries a lot and asks himself out loud why he was pushed to this point.  When he has the knife at his neck and is about to do the deed, his mum walks in and stops him.

\---

She stops talking to him and sends him to therapy.  He doesn't talk to the therapist woman.

\---

He convinces his mother he's alright by age 17.  She believes him.

\---

Boys at his school get his number and start hitting on him.  He feels wanted for once.

\---

One A.M. and he's sucking off the lead football star.  He mentions a relationship and the boy says he's not good enough for that.

\---

Two weeks later and he's letting one of the popular boys fuck him nightly.  The boy won't let him stay because he doesn't want what they have to be serious.

\---

5 other boys hit on him that year.  Each say he's only good enough for sex.  He has new scars on his legs, deeper than the ones from before.

\---

Surprisingly he's graduated with high grades.  His mum keeps on him about keeping them up.  Anything lower than an A is unacceptable.

\---

For university he leaves town and goes all the way across the country.  He often spends his time at bars and parties.

\---

One night he convinces a gorgeous boy to spend time with him.  They shotgun and make out.  He realises he recognizes him from the housing complex he's in.

\---

Zayn pursues the boy when he sees he's more gorgeous than he thought.  He finds out his name's Louis and spends all of his time trying to convince him to talk to him again.

\---

Zayn prevails and the two become close.  He's unsure if they're dating or not, since they mostly talk and get high together.  

\---

They move in together when they're twenty.  There's a few nights where their making out gets heated up and Louis tries to get him to sleep with him.  Zayn refuses, not mentioning that he deeply cares for the older boy.

\---

He insists one night they don't get high, and they finally shag.  Zayn makes the whole experience about Louis, taking his time and kissing over scars that resemble his.  The older boy's still stand strong, whereas his are barely noticeable.  He nearly tears up when he sees how many there are.

\---

Zayn watches in admiration as he notices how happy Louis has become.  Even when the wedding invitation comes, Louis seems overriden with his current joy as he recalls memories.  A huge smile spreads across Zayn's face, and he almost says 'I love you', but chickens out.

\---

They constantly find ways to touch each other, innocently.  Whether it's a simple hand on his shoulder or his arms wrapped around Louis' lithe body, Zayn feels the need to be as close to him as possible.  He holds him often, usually waking up first in the morning and wrapping his arm tighter around him.

\---

At 25, he's settled all of his differences with his family.  They beg him to let Louis meet them, so he takes him all the way to Bradford for the weekend.  There's many times Zayn tries to tell Louis he loves him, but something keeps getting in the way.

While he's driving, Louis turns the radio down from the passenger seat, as if to say something.  When he doesn't, Zayn glances over, slightly worried but stuck with a slight grin on his face.  Before he has the chance to question it, Louis whispers the words to him.  It takes all of Zayn's power not to completely turn to the boy and thus accidentally wreck the car.  Instead, he whispers them back, locking hands with him and resting them on Louis' thigh.  The grin grows and stays plastered on his face the entire way home, his thumb running over the older's knuckles.

\---

When Liam and Niall show up, Zayn lets Louis have his alone time with them.  He watches discretely from the doorways and connecting rooms.  The two new boyds start crying and Zayn wanders closer, only to hear 'you're so much better now' and other various versions of it.  He leans against the frame and beams at Louis, who smiles sweetly back.

\---

Five years later, they get the call from Lottie.  Louis starts crying from happiness, but goes stiff when Lottie mentions the name Fizz.  Zayn scoots closer and slides his arms around him, whispering comforting words in his ear and rocking him gently.

\---

The two of them go to visit when the baby's born, and Louis spends his entire time cooing over it.  He tugs on Zayn's sleeve and mentions how he wants one.  Zayn tells him that he's ready when Louis is and they can start trying as soon as possible.

\---

Another five years down the road, and Rose comes into their lives.  Both of them spend all their time with her and each other, often cradling her together far into the night.  The two sing and hum lullabies to her, and even write some of their own.  He's not sure he's ever seen Louis so happy.

\---

Zayn often walks in on Louis talking to the baby.  He catches him telling her not to turn out anything like himself as she drifts off to sleep, and Zayn sneaks up behind him and kisses their first bit of him he can reach.  Louis puts Rose in her crib as Zayn kisses his neck and turns him in his arms, and the two of them kiss innocently before moving out of the room to go sleep.


End file.
